Bohemian Urbanity

This song reminds me of Chavon...

 

[But now I cling to you
I'm so afraid
Afraid a day will come
And I'll wake and find you gone
But you promised that you'd not abandon me
And then kissed my fears away
But I woke up to that day

But I memorized the way our eyes would meet
Reflected in the bathroom mirror
And I memorized your naked silhouette
As you slowly brushed your hair

I miss, God I miss
Waking up beside you]

 

 

-Waking up besides you // Stabbing Westward-

This is probably the last thing I’ll ever write you, just as probable may be the fact it is the first of too many. I don’t know what these new things in my head mean, I haven’t bothered to do inventory, I’m just letting the monsters play around with them for a little while, just a little. Friday I noticed, not by the fact I haven’t stopped crying for the past month (and its necessary to clear the fact, that not all of it is because of you) but by the fact that I’ve noticed I have been able to crumble down to such point I’ve reached rock bottom, and in what a way, what a way indeed.

 

If you are expecting an apology, for god knows what (I do say I’m sorry for everything) you are searching the wrong place. Tonight I am just writing a thank you note for everything I’ve lived because of you. And it is that through your eyes I saw a world I had not met, and in you I found the necessary strength to get out and see it through mine, although sometimes I wish I would be blind again, I force myself to see. I thank you, because you helped me accept myself and who I was, I am not scared anymore of my surroundings, well, maybe just a bit, but I have embraced a new way of life and with it, in this past year, I have grown up and grown older and grown wiser. I know things were always everything but easy, but you always tried to make the best of them. You were capable of making me lower my thousands walls, unlock the giant lock, paste back the, now broken again, pieces of my heart (that rusty can of mine). What I do not thank is that with this I am vulnerable again, and the only wall that’s lifted is that between you and me, that brick wall that seems to grow taller and wider by the second, as you seem to be picking your things from the pockets (please don’t leave the pockets!) and I just watch from afar, quietly, as one of my giraffes lower his head to my shoulder. I know the drama is left, solely, to me, but any emotions at least an emotion showing no emotion, would be proper here, something to let me know you’re feeling something at all, even if it is just true bliss because it’s over, something to let me know I don’t belong anymore to that place I had grown accustomed to…

 

I make no sense, I know, it may be the minimum hours of sleep, the splitting headache, the life and everything about it I juggle constantly like Faberge eggs, afraid they will all fall down and break.

 

Thank you for making me realize that no body will fit in my arms like yours, and that all hands will be or too big or too small for mine to cover them up, and that I don’t know where I’ll have to take the butterflies because the pain in my stomach is just constant. And the tears have turned to crystal and the smile is fading like a smoke, and the castle is empty and the dragon awaits for its princess, and the rain has stop falling, and I look out the window, and there’s nothing else to do than surrender to a sleep that does not come as I think, continuously, in the “it’s not that I can’t is that I shouldn’t and I ask myself, did you, at least, wanted?

 

I hold on tight to a saying, wrongly translated I must say, of eyes that do not see, heart that does not feel. Hoping, without much hope I must say, that someday you’ll call me up and say “Mena, today I thought of you… today I missed you” and maybe, two years from now you’ll call me up and tell me you’ve realized you’ve made the stupidest decision ever, and that I am the “one” and I will be waiting with open arms, or maybe, and that’s probably the least far-fetched idea, you call me to tell me you’ve met somebody new who happens to be the best and I’ll tell you “ditto here” and I wont feel guilty, and no weird forgotten (or if anything buried) feeling will pop up like a balloon. But today, that does not work like that, today, after the rain I’ve missed you.

 

This is something I started writing a week ago, and I hadn’t been strong enough as to finish, today, when I have seen my calendar, and I count down the days, then I realize it is necessary to be finished and posted. I have awoken from some strange sleep, the tears are still there, in the edge of my eyes, and I push them slowly away, slowly and quietly. Today I’ve noticed that in the past month I have grown older, my soul is heavy as are my thoughts, I am not happy and I don’t think I will be happy any time soon, but at least I have overcome denial and I am solving issues with acceptance.

 

With this I don’t want to give you the wrong impression, that I can’t deal with things as you once told me, I think I can deal with things just fine, in my own way which may be good or bad to third parties, but they are good to me, maybe not the best but in that I am working. I am enjoying solitude, and in solitude I am overcoming and evolving, and patiently I wait for transition, which I truly believe isn’t to far, and I am dealing with issues far greater than that of my heart and soul.

 

With this I say good-bye, at least for now. I hope that I truly made you as happy as I intended since the first day, and that you realize that no one will probably love you as I did (or is it as I do?), with this silly love of mine. And never forget, that it was in our hug that you felt the safest…

 

-Mena

So i spent my weekend with my new lover ... Jessup 

 

Llueve y la lluvia hace una falda tornasol en mi cintura. Llueve y las burbujas bailan con las gotas. Y callo, por que el silencio hace que la lluvia haga eco en las paredes y  cada gota que toca el piso hace que retumbe. Cierro los ojos y termino entre tus brazos, en el aquel abrazo que se convierte en el lugar más seguro del mundo. Y aspiro hasta los lunares de tu espalda para que no se me vayan de la mente y duermo entrelazando nuestras piernas y tu ombligo conversa con la lluvia y te amo como se aman todas las cosas oscuras de Neruda, y soy tuya aún cuando tu ya no me quieras...  

 

Si alguien se hubiese molestado en decirme todo lo que iba a pasar en las últimas semanas de septiembre y en los primeros siete días de octubre yo me cambio de calendario y brinco en salto gigante así toda Juana Arrendel hasta noviembre. No es sólo el hecho de las presiones de la universidad y las reuniones de Jessup y el hecho de que ningún argumento es lo suficientemente fuerte; no influye el hecho de que tengo mínimas horas de sueño arriba ni que he perdido diez libras en dos semanas, tampoco es que ya no voy para el CILA en Bávaro por cuestiones de las cuales prefiero no empezar a comentar y el Comité me tiene al cogerla por que ando como mamá gallina detrás de sus pollitos. No es el hecho de que estoy soltera, sino más bien el hecho de tener que desacostumbrarme a llamarte para contarte como fue mi día y a oírte decirme “Mena, es que tu te ofuscas”; tampoco es que mi mamá no esté trabajando ya (y está de más decir que eso nos sacó el aire a todos y la soga se apretó un poco más de lo debido), mucho menos es que no he sabido de Stefano en las últimas semanas y tengo el ligero presentimiento de que no está para nada bien.

 

Pero al final del día sé que todos los problemas me los busque yo sola, por andar inventando pero eso no me hace sentir mucho mejor tampoco. Ligeramente harta de repetirme “tienes que mantenerte ocupada” por que cada segundo de ocio me da miedo, trato de separar y tomar un poco de tiempo para mí pero eso no resulta aún cuando lo que más quisiera es salirme de mi casa por que ya no aguanto me incomoda estar fuera de ella. Trato incansablemente de reeducar mi mente, repitiéndome que cada puerta que se cierra trae, por inercia, una que se abre, sólo es cuestión de encontrarla... la verdad es que yo me estoy cansando de buscar pero al menos buscar me mantiene ocupada.

 

Espero todos bien,

-Lady Psyche